How To Get Over A Breakup in 80 Days-I Did It, You Can Too!
Written by Julia Corso
In this blend of personal reflection and practical advice, I share the journey and strategies that led me from the aftermath of my deepest heartbreak to a place of strength and self-discovery, proving it's possible to emerge from a heartbreak transformed and resilient.
Imagine your whole life with someone—marriage, kids, and vacation homes. Everything seems perfect. Yes, every relationship has its issues, but you can't envision a life without them—perhaps this has been your reality for several years.
Then, one day, they call you and tell you it's over, or maybe you deliver the news. What happens when the future you have built unravels with the mere utterance of words? Your brain goes there; it goes to that place of, oh my god, my life is going to be completely different, very different. What the fuck am I going to do now? Which is consistently a scary feeling in the human experience of instability and uncertainty. Everything you ever imagine with this person flashes before your eyes. While the exact circumstances may differ, breakups and heartbreaks are inevitable parts of life. Some people find themselves trapped in the throes of unhealed pain for months or even years.
I've been there. I poured my heart and soul into another person, only to be shattered multiple times. Yet, that was not the end for me. I pieced myself back together—and, lucky for me, it only took 80 days. Here are the proven methods that helped me recover, and I believe they can help you too. You can start these at any phase in your healing journey.
THE IMPACT OF A BREAKUP
When a breakup happens, yes, you are losing that person in your life in the way they were. In many circumstances, breakups are akin to a death and a mourning process; they should be treated as such to heal. This is a friendly reminder that the deceased doesn't talk. NO CONTACT! Can you speak to the dead? No, you can't because they are dead. Unless you're a medium or would love to rehash the past, there is absolutely no good contacting an ex can do. In all seriousness, if you genuinely love and respect this person, you'll leave them alone. If you truly do not like this person and they hurt you, respect yourself and leave them alone. No matter how much you love them or not, contacting them isn't right for anyone. At the end of the day, if it were going to have worked out, it would have.
You lose a part of yourself that was intertwined with that person and embark on a new phase without them, which is, in fact, the best gift you could receive—the gift of discovering another side of yourself, an opportunity for new explorations. It's all a matter of mindset. Heartbreak is a gift that allows you to learn new coping strategies, adopt new mindsets, explore new hobbies, and enter a new era of self-discovery.
THE FIRST 14 DAYS:
In the first 14 days, the first thing you must do is let it all out.
Cry your heart out because you have a window of two weeks,14 days to do so. This is a decent amount of time but not significant in the grand scheme of things, and then you can give yourself this time to be outrageous (lol). Reach out to your trusted friends and family, and vent, scream, cry, and yell if that's what you need. Allow yourself to be completely selfish in this moment. Avoid making impulsive decisions because you're not mentally prepared, and rely on your support system to keep you in check if you feel the urge to call your ex.
Remember, no contact begins now, and only one slip-up is allowed during this phase.
Indulge in whatever comforts you and schedule a therapy appointment. Do anything that helps, but be prepared to wake up each morning feeling that heavy pain in your chest.
For insightful professional perspective on the healing process, I consulted Dr. Michael Scott Fiorini, a seasoned therapist with nine years of experience says “Spending time with loved ones who are supportive of you and who you feel comfortable sharing with can be very helpful. Not everything needs to be shared, but some things shouldn't be kept to yourself if you're hurting. If you don't feel like you can open up fully to loved ones, therapy is a great option and places like Psychology Today and Zocdoc are great tools for finding one that can help.”
Also, during this time, ensure you unshare your location, cease tracking theirs, and mute/unfollow them on Instagram; this marks your first step toward healing.
DAY 14 - 20: SELF-REFLECTION AND ACCEPTANCE
Strategies for introspection and self-discovery.
After those initial days of emotional release and self-care, it's time to start counting the days of no contact. Every day without reaching out is a small victory. Share your progress with a friend or someone who will hold you accountable, just like in recovery. Here's the key: treat yourself daily, for you remain committed to no contact every day. It's all about mindset. During this phase, I relied on daily rewards. Cultivate a daily self-reward system. Every day, you successfully maintain no contact and treat yourself well. Train your brain. It's all about mindset. For instance, for each day you don't call or text your ex, indulge in a bit of little luxury – a special coffee, make yourself a candlelit dinner, a spa day, a soothing bath, or buy that piece of clothing you always wanted. Take the win and celebrate yourself daily for staying strong in this time.
Daily no-contact tracking and staying grounded
I personally recommended "daily no-contact tracking." Count every day of no-contact like a badge of honor. Text your best friend or someone willing to listen, proudly announcing your progress. Having someone to hold you accountable can be invaluable during this period. Please stay grounded and acknowledge that some days will be a breeze while others feel like an uphill battle. Remember, healing is a process. I had to remind myself that healing isn't linear. On some days, I was crying in Trader Joe's, and on others, I was happily finding myself. Keep your focus on the facts and resist getting lost in idealized memories. Accept the reality that something better awaits you in the future. They are just ONE person.
DAY 21-40: REBUILDING YOUR IDENTITY
Focus on personal growth and self-improvement.
Physical Fitness and Morning Routine Consistency
Welcome to the enjoyable part! This is where self-actualization takes center stage, addressing the anxiety and heavy heartache that greet you every morning and night.
First and foremost, prioritize physical fitness. Your brain is most malleable in the morning, making it the perfect time to set your intentions for the day. Get out of bed and take action. Consider starting with a cold shower followed by a run. I used to despise running and only did it when necessary, but I ran as a form of escape during this phase. I would feel the heavy pain of anxiety, and it would feel crushing some days, but what motivated me was the more robust and wiser me I knew I would meet at the end of this. I was excited about who I was becoming and feeling the strength I did not think I had. I ran to Taylor Swift's "Death by a Thousand Cuts" until I sweated out all that pain and felt my heart rate soar, making the pain less daunting. It's time to take charge of your mornings, stay consistent, and kickstart your healing journey.
Confronting Heartbreak and Doubt
This is the moment to ask yourself, 'What makes me happy?' When heartbreak and doubt start creeping in, confront them with this list of things that bring you joy. What can you do for yourself? Sometimes, the answer is clear, and other times it's not. It's okay to feel frustrated with this question. However, you'll begin exploring new things and discovering what new priorities and activities bring you happiness. Embrace them. Keep track of your progress and continue to reward yourself along the way.
Dr. Michael Scott Fiorini says “Especially when it comes to "closure," there are no magic words that will suddenly heal you or "fix" what happened in the past. A lot of people think the only way they can get closure is through speaking with their ex and "getting" it from them, but in reality, closure has to come from within you. Closure doesn't erase the past, so what really happens for most people when they finally "get over" a break up is finding a sense of acceptance of what you can and can't change. If you're hurting over something unsaid or not done, trying to get that from your ex will keep them in your life on an emotional level that tends to slow down the healing process.”
Finding Solace in an Artist
Discover solace in an artist and their music as your immediate comfort—a kind of emotional band-aid for those moments when you're out and need a quick fix. Identify that one song you can play, a book you can read, or something you can turn to for comfort when overwhelming emotions wash over you. Remember, these emotions will pass; they are merely information. I found solace in the music of artists like Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo. Although basic choices, their lyrics can provide solace in the thought that you are not alone in your deep discomfort. Their lyrics made me feel less alone during those lonely moments.
DAY 41-60: RECONNECTING WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY
As you progress into this phase, reality sets in. You might encounter their friends and family, or if you have shared friends, and there may be times when you must put up a front. You will do so because only your close family and friends truly understand your feelings. This may be the harsh truth, but nobody else really cares. Nobody cares about what you are feeling about this breakup besides your entrusted few. Be strong because you are. You have your tactics and toolbox, and now it's a matter of getting through every day.
This phase is exciting because you can fill your days with things you have never had the chance to experience before. If you feel ready, consider going on dates, planning weekend trips, enjoying wine nights, going out with friends, or simply smiling at a stranger. Feel empowered by these choices. Incorporate some form of a fitness regime to channel and release any lingering anger. This phase also signifies a new chapter in your friendships, which is equally exciting. There will be moments of weakness, but during these times, allow yourself to cry privately and know that the moments of heavy emotions will pass. Remember that nothing is permanent; you are moving forward on your healing journey.
DAY 61-80: DATING AND MOVING FORWARD
Milestone Achievement! Congratulations!
You're starting to emerge on the other side of this journey, and it's almost a relief. Healing from a breakup and emotional trauma can initially feel daunting, but you've allowed yourself to express and release those suppressed emotions.
Mantras
Mantras helped me so much as a band-aid to a feeling. The mantras in your head may vary from one heartbreak to another, but here are some that served me and my friends well:
"Why would you want someone who wouldn't want you?"
"I deserve better than what I received."
"If it was true love, it will find its way back."
"There's nothing wrong with you; the timing wasn't right."
"Don't let someone define you; they are just one person."
"I miss them because I'm idealizing them."
"Stop idealizing."
"If the relationship was so great, it wouldn't have ended."
"There are other people who love me."
“They are just a person from ______” *Humanize them*
Symbolic Closure After Emotions Settled
Doing a symbolic closure too soon can be a little overwhelming and counter-productive, but once you have had your moment to feel your feelings and mourn and have a distance to look at their things, having a symbolic funeral at this point can be healing for closure. Over time, collect items that remind you of the past relationship, place them in a box, and write a letter to close that chapter. Cry into it or perform any ritual that helps you let go. Physically closing the box that once held those memories can be therapeutic.
Dr. Michael Scott Fiorini says “Get rid of or throw away any old clothes of theirs you might have at your house as well as any sentimental items from them (pictures too!). They aren't in your life anymore, so keeping reminders of them around will do exactly that. If they have things of theirs they want back, give them to a friend to pass along to them so that you won't have to contact them directly. If something from them is valuable, pawn shops and online marketplaces are good options to quickly get rid of them.”
You are now transforming at this stage; you're witnessing your body and mindset transform. New relationships and opportunities are emerging in your life, and you now have a toolbox filled with strategies to avoid succumbing to the devastation of heartbreak.
Embracing Independence
You're smiling without them, living a life without them, and taking the initiative to improve your life in 80 days. Those 80 days of no contact have led to significant personal transformation. Soon, you'll stop counting the days and simply focus on living your life to the fullest.
Reclaiming Your Life
It's been 80 days of transformation, healing, and reclaiming your life. Now, it's 80 days for you, more robust and wiser than before. This idea has taught me that no feeling can defeat me because you can always come back stronger and better.
SETTING THE 80-DAY GOAL
Breakups can be incredibly daunting because they thrust us into an uncertain future filled with endless "what ifs." What if I never love again? Will anyone ever compare to them? We had all these plans, and I won't have another Christmas with them. The mind races with these thoughts, but here's where you take control and shift your mindset. Instead of dwelling on the unknown, think: "I have the power and potential to shape my life and future, starting today. In 80 days, I will emerge from this cocoon of self-discovery, tears, anger, and pain as a stronger person." Healing isn't a straightforward path; in 80 days, you'll have moments of progress and setbacks, but each day is a victory. You may have lost something, but every day you gain is an opportunity to become a new you, to live a new life, and to have new experiences.
LIFE MOVES ON
Life is finite, and we cannot rewrite the past within the constraints of this linear timeline. Events have unfolded as they were meant to, and the linear timeline continues to march forward, even if we find ourselves tethered to the past. This, my friend, is the most tremendous disservice you can do to yourself. The future is a precious gift you can offer to yourself.
Be grateful for your experiences and embrace the opportunity to move forward because you can achieve something when you set your mind to it. These 80 days represent only a fraction of your immense capabilities.
I invite you to share your own experiences and insights based on this article, as well as any suggestions for future topics, by reaching out to julia_corso@fitnyc.edu.
INTROSPECTION & MY ACTUAL RESULTS (A YEAR LATER):
I wrote this originally as a personal essay while going through a breakup, but it evolved into a column. After 80 days of recovery and some edits, a year has now passed since the breakup. Looking back, those 80 days were not about the person, but they made me more resilient and happier than I ever thought I could be. The raw advice I gave at that time still stands, and I'm still following my fitness regime I established when writing this. I've trained my brain to be stronger and am grateful for that heartbreak. Even rereading it now, I don't remember feeling the depths of pain I once felt. Life moves on!
