Kiss and Tell: Practice What You Preach

How to give yourself grace when it feels like you can’t

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Was your last bad date your fault? Was it your fault that they never texted you back? Honestly, a lot of times it can feel like it was. It’s ridiculously hard to be objective about your own personal relationships, but it’s likely not all on you.

This past week I went on a date. Not exactly a shocking statement, but for me it had been a while. Being on dating apps it can be hard to find someone that can carry a conversation interesting and long enough to get me to agree to go out.

He liked my profile on Hinge, we talked a bit, had a few plans fall through, I accidentally left him on read for a month, blah blah blah (I got sick and then went on spring break, I’m not a monster I swear). I reached back out to him and he asked if I was free that night to grab a drink. 

We went out and had some drinks, listened to some music, and had some great conversations. I genuinely had a really nice time. He made comments about planning another date, asked me to text him that I got home safe (which I did), and sent me home with a kiss. Genuinely a really nice time.

Until the next day, when I never heard back. No “Hey I had a nice time” or “Glad you got home safe”; nothing.

Of course I started spiraling. What did I do wrong? Had I said something rude? Was I too prude? Too forward? Am I an ugly troll?

I texted one of my friends explaining my panic, and she immediately brought me back down to earth. She validated my stress and repeated my own words back to me: “Do you really want to be with someone you have to chase?”

It took me aback a little bit. Mind you, last week I said precisely, “​​Call me crazy, but if they really were your soulmate and your twin flame, they’d WANT, actually no they’d ACHE to be with you. You deserve a love that feels how Hozier sounds.”

As someone who’s never been in a committed relationship, I’ve had the displeasure of spending my dating time in the one-time-flings and situationships category. A lot of times it’s easy to see situations where the other person clearly isn’t interested in you as not your problem. Obviously, it’s not going to work out with the guy who said that your smile’s crooked and you might need a nose job. He can fucking kick rocks.

But the situations where the other person seems interested can be tricky to navigate. Going from a night of being cuddled up and hearing that your laugh is adorable to hearing nothing back is an abrupt stop.

So how can we learn to be objective?

I’ve heard it phrased as imagine if your daughter was putting up with what you are or imagine your best friend in a similar situation, but no matter how you put it, you need to reframe your situation.

Now would be a great time to lean on your friends. Truly, your life is richer with your friends in it. It’s cheesy and cliche, but it’s overused because it’s true: community is the basis for all of your relationships. Whether that’s your bestie or your mom, you need people around you that are going to hold you up.

As much as this column is about dating, it’s about reminding you to water ALL of the relationships in your life, not just the shiniest ones at the moment.

It’s easy to see when your friend is putting up with more from a partner than they should be, but it’s not as easy to look inwards. Ask for your friends’ perspectives and truly listen. Treat yourself with the kindness and respect that you give to your loved ones.

It’s easy to think that rejection is somehow a reflection of ourselves. There must be something wrong with us; our hair was too frizzy or we smelled a little weird. But in the words of my friend Tatjana, “That’s just a part of life and means that it wasn’t meant to be. Even if you are a ‘bad date’, it doesn’t make you a bad date to everyone.”

So, this week I will do my best to not wait attentively by my phone waiting for a Hinge notification and give myself the grace to be hurt for a moment. But, I solemnly swear to practice what I preach. I will continue to put love out into the world no matter what I get back, and I hope you do the same.

That’s all for now so keep it cute, stay safe, and I’ll see you next week.

XOXO, Gillian

Got dating problems? Email us at primadonna.kissandtell@gmail.com, and we might just answer you in our next column update!