Kiss and Tell: Crushing Hard

How are you really feeling?

Photo from Pinterest

Right now it feels like we’re in a crush recession. Everyone is in a relationship or busy dealing with their own shit, and there’s nothing left; not even the little joys of a “random hot stranger that appears to be the same age as me at the airport” or a “class that’s so boring and I need a distraction” crush.

So when we finally do get a crush, it hits like a truck. It’s a lot of emotions hitting you at once, so let’s break them down and make them digestible.

I polled my “Close Friends” Instagram story to see what they’d like to know, and their questions are as follows:

1. Do I actually like them, or am I creating an idealized version of them in my head?

Ok, admittedly this is a hard one to chew and an even harder one to digest, so let’s hit the ground running. Before you go off liking anyone, I need you to sit down with yourself and figure out what you’re truly looking for. I want you to make two lists: a list of your non-negotiables and a list of your important questions. You can keep it in your notes app or in a diary, but the most important part is that you refer back to it as you’re dating to make sure you’re keeping yourself safe and happy. I refer back to my list all the time, just to realize I’ve let someone slip through the cracks that isn’t what I said I wanted BEFORE I had a crush.

First is the non-negotiables. To be clear, I’m talking about personality not looks. These are things like how they treat you, or how they treat others, or how they manage their finances, or where they stand politically; things that make you feel safe and aren’t willing to budge on. 

Personally, I’ll never date someone who is rude to wait staff and doesn’t tip when we go out. I find it rude and that it shows how they view people at the other end of a power imbalance.

Next is the important questions. What are the things you find important to know to “truly” know someone? Some questions I was sent included: How is their relationship with their family? What is their social media presence like? What are their hobbies?

It’s really easy to start liking someone before you know who they are. Our brain likes to fill in the gaps between the details we have to create a perfected image. Oh they drive a nice car? Then they must have a high paying job and manage their money really well to afford it. We need all of the information to make sure we’re making a good decision.

2. Do they like me back?

Now this is a big one. It’s hard for me to answer this for you, as every situation presents its own challenges and nuances. It can be easy to turn small affections into something bigger in our head. 

Especially with queer flirting, the line between harmless flirting and true affection can be really blurry. Does she want to be besties or kiss? 

My best advice is to trust your gut. Kind of cheesy I know, but it’s true. Take your time to understand what you want and what you need. Wait and see how they respond to you and take the time to grow a bond and friendship with them.

And when it’s clear how they’re feeling or you can’t hold it in any longer, you should tell them how you feel. We often forget that people are not mind readers. If we don’t know what they’re thinking, they don’t know what we’re thinking. If things shift after telling someone, it’s going to be ok. The world doesn’t end, I promise. It’s better to put your feelings out there and have things adjust as they need to then have it eat away at you inside.

3. How do I get them to like me back?

Guys this answer is going to be a bit cheesy so stick with me, but all you need to do is be yourself and put yourself out there.

If you want them to like you, you have to let them get to know you. Just like you need to truly get to know someone, they need to be able to do the same. As a very closed off person, I get it. It’s fucking scary to put yourself out there. It’s easy to close yourself off and push away any opportunities.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. There’s no cheating the system. Sure, you can create a version of yourself that embodies everything that you think they want, but it might not actually be what they want. Also if that does work, what’s the end plan? Are you going to spend the rest of your life in this fake version of yourself just to please someone? You deserve to be loved as you are, for all your flaws and imperfections; not for some fake, flat version of yourself. 

I saw a TikTok the other day from a user named Kylelashay Draper (@kylelashaydraper), and it really stuck with me. She talks about the pressures and expectations we put on ourselves. She says, “At your exact weight, you are somebody’s dream girl or guy. With your exact smile, you are somebody’s dream girl or guy. With your exact income, you are somebody’s dream girl or guy.”

She goes on to say that we convince ourselves that the reason we haven’t found love yet is because there is something “broken” or “wrong” with us, rather than realize it just isn’t the time for us yet. She says, “The right people that are for you will find you… You think that you gotta change and shape shift in order to be worthy of love, when all you gotta do is be.”

So be yourself, and the people that are meant for you will find you. If it doesn’t work out with this one specific crush, it is ok; life will go on, and the right person will find you.

4. If it does work out and they like you back, what could go wrong?

I got a few versions of this question: How soon is it going to end? What is going to be our downfall? How is it going to end? What if it’s not what I imagined?

It’s really easy to use this to avoid your feelings. It’s easier to play a game of chess in your head and find possible flaws than putting yourself on the line and actually getting rejected. Most of us have thoughts like this and it’s totally normal! 

Our brains love to protect us and want us to be as safe and happy as possible. The only thing we can do is try to overcome them. Whether that’s journaling about how you feel, breaking down your feelings with your friends, or talking to a therapist, find a way to get your thoughts out of your head. When they’re in your brain, they can feel so big and overwhelming, but once you get them out you can start to understand how to break them down.

You’re hot, so there’s no reason to let someone else’s feelings get you down. Respect your boundaries and the boundaries of others and go have a good time. Not everything needs to be serious right out of the gate, so enjoy the feelings you’re having at the moment and take a second to appreciate how fun they can be.

That’s all for now so keep it cute, stay safe, and I’ll see you next week. 

(And a special shout out to all the lovely people on my “Close Friends” story for all the wonderful questions!)

XOXO, Gillian

Got dating problems? Email us at primadonna.kissandtell@gmail.com, and we might just answer you in our next column update!