A Letter to Myself
Warning: This piece discusses mental health and depression. If you find yourself feeling this way or like you need to speak to someone, there are people who care for you and resources to get you the help you need – some referenced at the end of this piece. I promise, you are not weak if you reach out for help. Even you self-starters – I urge those of you to reach out and ask for help as I would not be here without it.
This past January, I was watching a show I originally perceived as quirky. Somehow, this show was able to portray something I've been living with since I was thirteen into perspective; which should be considered in the context of this piece. For those who don’t know me, I've lived with depression every day for the past 1,825 (and counting) days.
I tend to get emotional when absorbing certain forms of art, but this struck me hard enough that I felt compelled to share.
“Some feelings are like old familiar friends. Depression is like that for me. When I'm not in it, I don’t remember it. I remember it’s bad. I remember the darkness, but it's... different to feel it again. It's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again, feeling it. When the episode starts, it can be slow at first. An intrusive thought, “I don't want to be here,” but then it's gone. You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell. When it hits you fully though, when you're really in it, it's everything. It's who you are, you're nothing else. On the outside, you look the same, smiling and pretending is so much work, but inside, it’s a different story. You start to hate yourself. You’re so alone, so unbelievably alone. And you can be with someone you love but you’re not really with them. We think we know what’s going on with other people but we don’t. You never really know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Everyone’s fighting a battle we can’t see. We all have blind spots. [...] And you know it’s you. It’s something wrong with you, and it’s also exhausting. So goddamn shitty and exhausting, and it’s helpless. It’s a void, and existing takes so much energy, you wanna sink into a hole of nothing where no one talks to you and don’t have to smile or talk or be. Anyway, it’s familiar” (Ginny & Georgia 2023).
Since we’re being fully transparent, the above sent me into a complete spiral. I was finally able to express how I have been feeling all these years in a simple video clip. You’d think after so many years, you’d be able to articulate the feelings eating you up inside; but this Netflix show really did a number.
Journal Prompt: Explain your situation to your five-years-ago self. (A prompt based on Frank Ocean)
Before getting into the details of the past five years, there are two things you should know: you are damn good at what you do, but without passion you’d be lost, and you have mastered the act of masking your feelings.
I don’t think it's necessary to go into the details of high school as we try to forget about those years. If you want to know, you definitely didn’t peak and it wasn’t the best time with everything going on at home. You felt like the above for a really long time, but were able to mask it like you were getting paid six figures to do so. You developed a deep connection with music, quit basketball, and still talk to a few people here and there. As far as college, you ended up at FIT – don’t ask because it’s a long story and you still have to explain to people why and how you ended up there two years later. It won’t impact you significantly. If anything, it allows you to live in a bubble of chaos that is full of opportunity, with a side of gossip. You’ll meet some awesome individuals there, but also come across a number of people you did not need to meet. That’s okay. Weaving through the bad to find the good is a nice skill to have. I know you’ve been telling people since you were fourteen that you were going to curate music festival lineups, but things change and doors open. Who knows, you might go back to that idea. You also thought you would end up working for one of those college marketing programs, but ended up landing an internship at a top record label in the marketing department, and working on projects you dreamed about. And you know what? People fuck with you!! This has opened up doors for you at other labels, media groups, and late night shows. Dude. You’re nineteen. This shit is doesn’t usually happen until you’re after twenty, but because you have worked so hard, things are falling into place. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have bad days and don’t live in the dark sometimes. But, it is impressive how high functioning you are as someone who has lived through those really dark periods.
I will leave you with this:
You have got to roll the dice. You only run out of chances when you stop taking them, and if you’re going to try, go all the way. When you start to feel alone, exhausted, helpless, and want to sink into a hole and forget about why it hurts so much, or when it starts to feel familiar again and you can’t remember what it felt like to be outside of this all-consuming darkness, you need to remember why you’ve made it this far in the first place. This shit is absolutely terrifying. But it's not worth giving up things that get you out of bed in the morning because you suddenly don’t want to feel or be. The familiarity of it becomes so terrifying you let it consume you until you have to start over again. Stop starting over again and roll the dice. You’ve already made it this far, and I’m proud of you.
Here is a list of your top songs from the next five years:
Invincible - Omar Apollo and Daniel Caesear
Malibu 1992 - COIN
Worth It - Rex Orange County
Evergreen (You Didn’t Deserve Me At All) - Omar Apollo
Helmet - Steve Lacy
Resources
NYC Resources: NYC Well, Thrive NYC, Repose, LGBT Brooklyn
National Resources: American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP), Girls Health, Project Hope, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), National Suicide Prevention Hotline (988)
Editor in Chief, Creative Dir: Pilar Bradley
Cover Artist: Thom Minnick
Graphic Designer: Suma Deshpande
