Two Faced

Two-faced. Having two faces. Having two personalities.

Is being two-faced that bad?

Why do you care if I’m two-faced?

Why are only women two-faced? Why do men get to act however they want—rude, short-tempered, and blunt—all the time?

Why is it that the moment I exhibit an emotion that you are not used to, you label me as that emotion?

In reality, I am not two-faced. I am multi-faced. I am not choosing between doing you good or doing you bad. I am not choosing between you and myself. Women did not get handed much in life. So, they have evolved to please others as a way to get ahead, as a way to stay safe, and as a way to be loved. I am not being two-faced. Rather, I am adapting to you. And, in a way, I’m making you adapt to me.

I am not a completely different person in each relationship or setting. I simply mix and match a different set of characteristics around you, around him, and around them. When I switch into versions of myself, it is always so subtle. It’s like I am not consciously making these decisions.

And, what makes me this way is being emotionally in tune with you, with him, and with them. I am acting for the occasion. Do you not understand? This is better for us all.

And, in a way, I love having a slightly different persona all the time. In my head, I know where my core values lie and who I am…mostly. I am still myself in all of these personalities.

When I try on different reactions and feelings, I am also discovering myself. I figure out what makes me feel the best—the traits I love to relish in. And then, they integrate into who I am.

But, then, it comes to me vs. the internet. It’s not me and you; it’s me versus millions. Don’t tell anyone, but that’s when the problems arise. I can’t shapeshift to have fun. I can’t connect with the internet…or all of those people. They all hold too many expectations and too much pressure. Together, they carry the history of women’s oppression. And, together, they built the unattainable structures women can never fit into.

These structures are partly the product of diffused responsibility. Diffused responsibility that takes place because there are so many people on the internet that they blend together and erase. They become a mob—neglecting their morals through the process. No one no longer feels personally or individually responsible for anything. So, no one cares how they treat me.

And, neither should I care how I treat them.

But, I do…It’s part of my image after all.

I realize these people want a certain woman out of me—a different woman in every setting. I am a nice, sweet girl helping the neighbors, but I’m not too sweet or I’m easy. I am a hard-working woman who tirelessly labors, but I’m not allowed to complain or I’m ungrateful. I am a woman who wants children at a certain time. I am a woman who knows her self-worth, but not all the way. I am a woman who is beautiful, completely flawless, but I do not care about my appearance or I am vain.

So, this woman is partly who I try to be because I know I cannot break down the structures that put her in place. And, frankly, the consequence and effort to do so are too much for me to handle on top of my own struggles. So, I play the part—sometimes I hate it, sometimes it’s entertaining.

I am only this type of woman on the outside; I do not let her go deep into my consciousness. She is like a mask I put on. Usually, the mask is on when I'm alone in public and when I'm in front of an audience. I don’t see such situations unfolding in any other way.

I'm not confident when I am this woman because she is not me. I do not know her that well, and I don't really want to or else I’ll feel bad about myself. Though, sometimes this woman bleeds into and terrorizes my relationships and personality.

But, I have been distancing myself from her recently. There are days when I do not care what anyone expects from me, and there are days when I do. Hopefully, I will come to the point where there is more of the former than the latter.

Being two-faced is a balancing act…like all of life is. And, I've gotten pretty good at being two-faced. I can distinguish my various personality traits, but they are also fluid because they are all a part of me.

You can't get mad at me for being two-faced. You all made me this way from the very beginning. And, now, I realize it is one of my greatest strengths.

Models: MariaElena Kalas and Geneva Rose

Photographer: Madison Hough

Stylist, Fashion Director: Monica Robles

Assistant Stylist, Editorial Assistant: Nadia Adams

Makeup Artist: Evan Liu

Hair Stylist: Rhia McGowan

Videographer, Production and Set Director: Luna Abreia

Editor-in-Chief, Creative Director: Pilar Bradley

Photo Director, Creative Director: Kervens Jean

Beauty Director: Gillian Tokar

Managing Editor: Nova Krasner

Social Media and Public Relations Director: Maddie Paradise