Red Flags

By Gillian Tokar

The Hey y’all! I’m Gillian; makeup artist and beauty director-extraordinaire. Unfortunately, I’ve become somewhat of an expert on bad dates. How ever many dates you think I’ve been on, double that number. Scratch that… triple it. I have enough tinder matches to populate a small country. Ask any one of my friends, and they’ll tell you they’ve heard too many bad date stories to count. From being ghosted to getting rejected enough for a dozen lifetimes, dating in New York is a f**king minefield, and online dating (my personal drug of choice) is especially rough. Here are a few free lessons on what to avoid so your dating life can run smoother than mine.

They’re WAY too eager and overly affectionate

Listen, I get it. We all want to be showered in compliments. It feels good when people want to make us feel good. However, love-bombing is a big, fat no! You started talking yesterday and they’re already texting you dozens of times a day? No! They want you to immediately start spending every moment with them, whether that be texting, calling, or in person? No! You’ve known each other less than a week, and they want to plaster you all over their social media pages? Absolutely not! They want to call you their partner after one date? Run! Chances are that if they can’t stop showering you in pure affection they’re trying to keep you from noticing an issue, desperate, or have been hurt in the past and are trying to prevent themselves from getting rejected. Lots of times, these people will give you a short-lived fling and wind up hurting or ghosting you. I once dated a man who showered me with compliments and affection for an entire month before flat out ghosting me. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

They ask you about your type and/or talk about theirs

I’ve had this happen more times than I can count. People just want reassurance. They want to know that you’re attracted to them, yet,  I truly couldn’t tell you why people even ask. Sometimes they’ll tell you that you’re “not their usual type but they still find you very attractive”. Why even bring this up? I have no f*cking clue. Somehow though, when you say you’re their type, it’s almost worse. As a plus-sized woman, I’ve gotten a lot of comments about my body. A man I dated for a month legitimately told me that he thought it was hot that I’m “squishy”. You heard me right. “Squishy”. Not once, not twice, but three times. And one of those times, was to my face. Not my proudest moment! Honestly, it’s just an awkward, completely avoidable conversation that you should steer clear of. Just tell people you think they’re hot and move on, kapeesh?

They ask way too many questions about your dating history

It’s ok to want to know about someone’s past. It’s totally normal and healthy to want to know about someone’s past. If you see them as a potential partner or someone who could be important in your life, it’s important to know these things. However, asking too many questions, especially on a first date is an immediate no. It’s a date. Not an interrogation! Intimate details are something that come with time, and it’s important to let them tell you their stories when they’re ready. Chances are, these people just want to vent about their frustrations with their dating lives and share their own personal horror stories. I’ve even had people tell me about people they’re also currently seeing and how it’s going. Trust me, I really don’t want to know.

They give you mixed signals

Let’s get one thing straight, you are not an option, you are THE option. It’s one thing to be seeing other people when you’re still testing the waters, but there comes a point where they need to make a decision. They’re either in or out. This isn’t an episode of the Bachelor where you and a bunch of other people are going to stand around and wait to find out if you might get a rose. You deserve someone who’s going to give the whole damn bouquet! Be clear about what you want, and if they aren’t headed down the same path, it’s time to go your separate ways.

They talk really badly about their exes

Because of course, all of their exes are “crazy”. Let’s be honest, they probably got their feelings hurt, and use this as a defense mechanism. Some people make themselves out to be the victim of every breakup. Sometimes it’s true, but it’s still something to be wary of. Sure, they broke up two years ago. But, they still talk about that partner as if they brutally dumped them last week. And if they really are “crazy” and overly protective, what does that say about your potential partner that they dated them and that they’re still an issue?  

💌

As much as all of us hate to admit it, you can’t please everyone. If there’s one thing online dating has ingrained in me, it’s that nobody else’s opinion of you is worth shit. I’ve been told I’m too feminine, but not feminine enough. That I’m too short or too tall. I’m too quiet or that I need to learn when to shut up. A guy once actually told me I was “too skinny” for him. If I wanted to be with him I’d have to “put on a few pounds”. Needless to say, things ended there. Rejection hurts, but you have to remember to not take it personally. Cause let’s be honest, you’re a f*cking catch. Each experience teaches you new things; you’ll keep learning about what you like and what you don’t like. Most importantly, rejection should deepen the love you have for yourself. You’re always going to be there for you, and you deserve someone who treats you like the divine being you are. So always remember to love yourself and put your feelings first, and if anyone wants to go out sometime, hit me up. 😘